Knoxville

I was walking out of class the other day thinking about everything I needed to do-- printing out the notes I never got to, calling work because I won't be in town this weekend, a date I was going on later that evening, blah blah blah. I checked my phone and saw that one of the newest loves of my life, Caitlyn, had called from Knoxville. I suddenly found myself smiling as I called her back and the more rings that came and went, the more anxious I was for her to pick up the phone.

As a quick update-- I met Caitlyn this summer in Cambodia, and was roommates with her for about two weeks in Vietnam. Basically, we clicked right away and knew almost instantly that our future paths would cross in some way or another. Either that, or I would abduct her and force her to be my roommate here in sunny San Diego. But that's another story...

We updated each other fairly quickly as I walked back to my car and she mentioned some awesome stuff going on in her life. She asked me to keep her in my prayers and of course, I said that I would. Then I remembered my Bible study from this past week. We had read 1 Corinthians 11 and discussed the importance of praying for people who not only needed it, but asked for it. And we challenged each other this week to pray for someone right on the spot if they needed prayer. Well, here was my chance. It had been months since I'd done this, and even though I knew Caitlyn was extremely dedicated to Christ, for some reason there was still a level of nervousness going through my brain. Yet, as I was praying, the words just.. flowed. 

Oh, so what does this have to do with anything? Well, I'm flying out to Knoxville tomorrow morning, bright and early, to stay with Caitlyn and her family for a few days, as well as with some other close friends I made this past summer in Cambodia and Vietnam. It's a miracle, really, that I'm even able to go over there just to see them. And even though I'm pretty sure I have no role, but to go hang out, listen to some awesome testimonies, and I don't think I've been this excited about seeing anyone this much in a long long time. More updates to come during and after the trip... I heard bungee jumping may be involved :)

Lizzy

So, a few days ago my friend Lizzy was in town and I was SO super excited to see her. I mean, it's been over a year now since I moved from Philly, and most definitely over a year since she'd let me crash at her parents house, or since I've gotten in trouble with them for showing up too late at night and never speaking to them again. But that's another story. And I am sorry Lizzy for putting your embarrassment in blog-form for the public to see. But not really.

Anywhoo, as I drove up to her sister's apartment complex, she came walking up the driveway looking like she just stepped out of a magazine, as always. I suddenly had the thought, "What the heck are we going to talk about?" You know, that strange feeling you get when you're about to meet up with someone you haven't seen in a wicked long time. (yes, wicked). Will things still be the same? Will there be awkward pauses and small talk? I hate awkward small talk. Oh crap, she just got in the car. "HEYYYY!" 

The small talk in the car wasn't so bad. As we drove up to the tiny restaurant for breakfast I heard Lizzy's, "Oooh.." and knew instantly that I was going out of my mind and being absolutely ridiculous and we'd have a great time. Duh Tiffani.We sat down outside even though it was chilly and overcast, looked at Lizzy and casually asked how her trip was. Oh, did I forget to mention? She just came back from traveling the better part of Southeast Asia, no biggie. I actually didn't know she was overseas until she was in the car mentioning it. Before I knew it, we were transported back to her room again talking like old times as she updated me on the past year and a half I'd missed. As it turns out, she's been going through a lot of the same stuff I have. Trying to figure life out, realizing the medical field actually kinda sucks and switching majors, boy issues (ugh, don't even get me started), and what to do after you've heard God's call. 

Then the conversation switched to me so that Lizzy could eat her waffles, and I spilled most of my guts all over the table of the past couple years, and it was then that I realized just how much we had in common, and what do you do after you've heard God's call to live in a place halfway across the world? I mean, we're both still in school, not remotely ready to move to Southeast Asia even though I'm pretty sure the both of us would do it in a heartbeat. 

Then Lizzy brought up something that I said that I only really said in passing, but it kind of became the theme to our whole morning together: God sends us the right people at the right time. I didn't think twice about it when I said it, but I'm so glad that Lizzy was encouraged to hear something seemingly so insignificant to me. And it wasn't just an encouragement to her, but as it kept coming up in conversation, I looked back and realized just how true it was. And right there, was Lizzy sitting right across from me, encouraging me in ways she'll never understand and letting me share my dreams and my fears with her. Listening right when I needed someone to listen, right when I felt like I was constantly surrounded by guy friends, and missing home in Philly just a tad. Right there in front of me-- God had sent me someone that I needed to hear from at the perfect time.

There is a chance that I won't see Lizzy again for a very long time, but hey, I'm sure that if we don't meet up somewhere in the states, we'll find each other when we're both finally on the other side of the world.

Learning to forgive

Ever since I got back from Vietnam I've had a lot of free time. Maybe too much free time. Well, certainly enough time to analyze my seven weeks there. And myself. Only a certain number of people actually know how much I hate analyzing myself. Also, crying. And confrontation. Anyways... I've had plenty of time to think.

It's been almost two years since I've moved back in with my parents. Sure, I had my time to spread my wings for a year and a half while I lived on campus back in Harrisburg, but it turns out I wasn't very good at making decisions on my own. In fact, I made terrible, unhealthy decisions on my own. Even at a Christian college I couldn't bring myself to join any clubs to strengthen my walk with Christ. I went to one praise night. I'm not sure if I even listened to any of the mandatory chapels. Instead I continued my patterns that I started back in my sophomore year of high school until I literally made myself sick. I don't think I've ever been so sick for so long in my entire life. Looking back, my body slowly told me that I was pushing too many limits. Physically and emotionally, mostly spiritually. I was doing the opposite of everything I was taught not to do ever since I was a kid. 

At one point someone told me that I would need to forgive myself. Not anyone else that I thought may have wronged me, but me. Before then, I had never thought of that. It wasn't until this past trip to Vietnam and Cambodia that I realized why. 

Before my seven week trip to Vietnam and Cambodia I got to a retreat in South Lake Tahoe. In fact, it was a silent retreat. Needless to say, I was terrified. I'm awful at keeping silent. But when my mom told me about it, I got tears in my eyes and longed have my heart healed. I needed to let God in. I needed some way to have my heart healed. Little did I know, that silence was what I needed. The very thing that terrified me most was what God used to heal my heart. I thought that God would show me some awesome new revelation that I had never realized before. But what did God teach me? That he loved me. That he will always love me. That he is my bridegroom and no one would ever love me as immensely as him.

Some revelation, right? I had been taught that in Sunday school ever since I could remember. Yet I have never learned more in those four days than I have on my own. Looking back, it was the stepping stone to prepare me for this trip to Vietnam. I met so many people and saw so many things in a whole new light this trip. I felt so ready for whatever God sent my way. Before leaving the States, I had just gone through an emotional roller coaster. First this retreat, then I decided to switch majors from nursing to liberal studies. I had no idea if I had made the right decision or not.

Then I met a fantastic group of people in Vietnam during the week of the Homes of Love (HOL) camp. Between spending time with fantastic people on the team and meeting the sweet kids in HOL, my heart continued to be rejuvenated. Strangely enough, I learned so much from the teaching times that were supposed to be for the kids. I slowly learned to forgive myself. I learned that I can forgive other people all I want, even talk to them about it and "sort things out," but the biggest thing I could do was to simply give up. Give the worries, the anxiety, the questions to God and accept what God was giving me. And what was he giving me? Incredibly strong Christian girls to inspire me and help me grow. Guys on the team that truly love the Lord and were incredibly uplifting as Brothers. And I have never seen a group who loved orphan children who lived so far away, and couldn't speak the same language so so much.

And last night, I drove to a place I had never been to meet up with my girlfriend, Crystal, who is moving back home this weekend. She had been inviting me to her Bible study for ages, and leave it to me to not make it until it was her last Bible study before she moved away. Go figure. I expected an awkward night with uncomfortable small talk at best coupled with a quick study of the Bible that would probably only touch the surface and never reach anything deep or too "touchy."

To my surprise, I felt at home. This was like no Bible study I had tried before. I felt, and still feel so blessed to have met the people in that group and hope I can continue to go. I knew that God planned last night, mostly because the study was on 1 Corinthians 6 & 7. Specifically chapter 6. 6:11 to be exact: "And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God."

After reading the first part of chapter 6, I felt like crying by the time I got to verse 11. I felt so grateful after the journey I had just been on. From basically deciding to start school all over again after two and a half years of nursing, to having my heart scraped out and then refreshed in a four day period, then taken on this amazing trip to the country of my heart for the third time in a year and a half. 

And I couldn't be more thankful for this crazy intense past several months. At times I still feel like I'm back in high school when my parents call me at 8pm and ask where I am, who I'm with, and when I'll be home. Yet, I have never felt more blessed, more secure, or more thankful than I am right now.

Getting things started

I guess I should have started blogging years ago. Maybe when blogs were first "cool" and I made my first trip to Malaysia when I was sixteen. Or maybe when I took a semester off to figure things out and ended up in Vietnam three times and Cambodia twice in a year and a half.

BUT, as with everything else I'm learning lately, God usually has a different plan for me than I actually have for myself. Three years ago I thought I would be going into my last year of nursing school this fall, working on securing a nice hospital job, and looking at paying off my loans and finally moving to where my heart is-- Vietnam. Instead, I'm sitting on my living room couch blogging away my jet lag from getting home last week from my latest trip to SE Asia. I'm looking at 5-6 more years of school since I decided to switch majors to liberal studies (California speak for elementary education). I'm jobless, and haven't had any luck securing work since I moved to San Diego over a year ago.

Funny how things turn out. A few months ago I was devastated that my educational life was turning upside-down. Now? I can see already how God is using that for good. I hate school. Hate it. Can't stand it. And now that I'm looking at half a dozen more years of schooling.. I couldn't be happier. On this last trip to Vietnam I met more amazing people than I could explain. I can see God tying loose ends together already and teaching me more in seven weeks than I thought possible.

Long story short, I'm ready. I'm ready for what lies ahead and where else I can go. I'm ready to start this journey with a new outlook and trusting God with what lies ahead. Not to be corny or anything. I guess sometimes cliches work the best. Sometimes. Okay, I'm done.