Learning to forgive

Ever since I got back from Vietnam I've had a lot of free time. Maybe too much free time. Well, certainly enough time to analyze my seven weeks there. And myself. Only a certain number of people actually know how much I hate analyzing myself. Also, crying. And confrontation. Anyways... I've had plenty of time to think.

It's been almost two years since I've moved back in with my parents. Sure, I had my time to spread my wings for a year and a half while I lived on campus back in Harrisburg, but it turns out I wasn't very good at making decisions on my own. In fact, I made terrible, unhealthy decisions on my own. Even at a Christian college I couldn't bring myself to join any clubs to strengthen my walk with Christ. I went to one praise night. I'm not sure if I even listened to any of the mandatory chapels. Instead I continued my patterns that I started back in my sophomore year of high school until I literally made myself sick. I don't think I've ever been so sick for so long in my entire life. Looking back, my body slowly told me that I was pushing too many limits. Physically and emotionally, mostly spiritually. I was doing the opposite of everything I was taught not to do ever since I was a kid. 

At one point someone told me that I would need to forgive myself. Not anyone else that I thought may have wronged me, but me. Before then, I had never thought of that. It wasn't until this past trip to Vietnam and Cambodia that I realized why. 

Before my seven week trip to Vietnam and Cambodia I got to a retreat in South Lake Tahoe. In fact, it was a silent retreat. Needless to say, I was terrified. I'm awful at keeping silent. But when my mom told me about it, I got tears in my eyes and longed have my heart healed. I needed to let God in. I needed some way to have my heart healed. Little did I know, that silence was what I needed. The very thing that terrified me most was what God used to heal my heart. I thought that God would show me some awesome new revelation that I had never realized before. But what did God teach me? That he loved me. That he will always love me. That he is my bridegroom and no one would ever love me as immensely as him.

Some revelation, right? I had been taught that in Sunday school ever since I could remember. Yet I have never learned more in those four days than I have on my own. Looking back, it was the stepping stone to prepare me for this trip to Vietnam. I met so many people and saw so many things in a whole new light this trip. I felt so ready for whatever God sent my way. Before leaving the States, I had just gone through an emotional roller coaster. First this retreat, then I decided to switch majors from nursing to liberal studies. I had no idea if I had made the right decision or not.

Then I met a fantastic group of people in Vietnam during the week of the Homes of Love (HOL) camp. Between spending time with fantastic people on the team and meeting the sweet kids in HOL, my heart continued to be rejuvenated. Strangely enough, I learned so much from the teaching times that were supposed to be for the kids. I slowly learned to forgive myself. I learned that I can forgive other people all I want, even talk to them about it and "sort things out," but the biggest thing I could do was to simply give up. Give the worries, the anxiety, the questions to God and accept what God was giving me. And what was he giving me? Incredibly strong Christian girls to inspire me and help me grow. Guys on the team that truly love the Lord and were incredibly uplifting as Brothers. And I have never seen a group who loved orphan children who lived so far away, and couldn't speak the same language so so much.

And last night, I drove to a place I had never been to meet up with my girlfriend, Crystal, who is moving back home this weekend. She had been inviting me to her Bible study for ages, and leave it to me to not make it until it was her last Bible study before she moved away. Go figure. I expected an awkward night with uncomfortable small talk at best coupled with a quick study of the Bible that would probably only touch the surface and never reach anything deep or too "touchy."

To my surprise, I felt at home. This was like no Bible study I had tried before. I felt, and still feel so blessed to have met the people in that group and hope I can continue to go. I knew that God planned last night, mostly because the study was on 1 Corinthians 6 & 7. Specifically chapter 6. 6:11 to be exact: "And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God."

After reading the first part of chapter 6, I felt like crying by the time I got to verse 11. I felt so grateful after the journey I had just been on. From basically deciding to start school all over again after two and a half years of nursing, to having my heart scraped out and then refreshed in a four day period, then taken on this amazing trip to the country of my heart for the third time in a year and a half. 

And I couldn't be more thankful for this crazy intense past several months. At times I still feel like I'm back in high school when my parents call me at 8pm and ask where I am, who I'm with, and when I'll be home. Yet, I have never felt more blessed, more secure, or more thankful than I am right now.

Getting things started

I guess I should have started blogging years ago. Maybe when blogs were first "cool" and I made my first trip to Malaysia when I was sixteen. Or maybe when I took a semester off to figure things out and ended up in Vietnam three times and Cambodia twice in a year and a half.

BUT, as with everything else I'm learning lately, God usually has a different plan for me than I actually have for myself. Three years ago I thought I would be going into my last year of nursing school this fall, working on securing a nice hospital job, and looking at paying off my loans and finally moving to where my heart is-- Vietnam. Instead, I'm sitting on my living room couch blogging away my jet lag from getting home last week from my latest trip to SE Asia. I'm looking at 5-6 more years of school since I decided to switch majors to liberal studies (California speak for elementary education). I'm jobless, and haven't had any luck securing work since I moved to San Diego over a year ago.

Funny how things turn out. A few months ago I was devastated that my educational life was turning upside-down. Now? I can see already how God is using that for good. I hate school. Hate it. Can't stand it. And now that I'm looking at half a dozen more years of schooling.. I couldn't be happier. On this last trip to Vietnam I met more amazing people than I could explain. I can see God tying loose ends together already and teaching me more in seven weeks than I thought possible.

Long story short, I'm ready. I'm ready for what lies ahead and where else I can go. I'm ready to start this journey with a new outlook and trusting God with what lies ahead. Not to be corny or anything. I guess sometimes cliches work the best. Sometimes. Okay, I'm done.